Is it possible to do too much floating in a pool with too many bikini bodies whilst drinking too much beer? God knows we’re trying to find out. As summer wraps us in its liquid lava grip, we douse ourselves with sun block and souse ourselves with fine imported lagers and misty domestics in equal amounts. Only when the sun has set do we drag our bedraggled bodies out of the primordial ooze that used to be our pool (before it became our home). Then, with the all the dexterity and grace of an emerging catfish crawling across asphalt, do we light the tiki torches -- signifying the end to another blazing hot day and the dawn of a new excuse to drink some more.
 
Speaking of... this weekend offers several Lifesize Gorgeous reasons to go on living:

First, on Friday, August 6th, the band returns to The Spruce Hill Inn for another electric sweat session. If you were there the first time we played, you know how good it was... but remember... legally you’re enjoined from talking about it.
 
Then on Sunday, the 8th, it’s a double-header of sorts as the LGC joins our good pals Blue Mozart to play a set for our fine furry friends (and no, we’re not talking about Dickie Mellonball and smarmy former manager Jeff Valley). We’re going to the dogs for the Woofstock Benefit at Sycamore Park in Mahopac. We commandeer the bandstand at 11:30 am with an assortment of bands to follow.

Then, later on that same evening, it’s the musical event you didn’t know jackdiddley about but have totally been waiting for -- the maiden voyage gig of The Rusty Trombones, featuring Roxy, Otto and The Brown Tornado from The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails, and Beautiful Bobby Bauer from Hey Baby. It’s hard-ass acoustic rock and the perfect soundtrack for your fetish-filled life. It’s all happening at Ruben's Mexican Cafe in Peekskill from 6:00 til 8:30ish. So, if all you Rust Rioters aren’t quite done getting lubed up, may we suggest Ruben's as the perfect hub for a nightcap?

Sorry, I’ve been delinquent with the bloggo lately -- all this social networking is tough when you’ve got your arm in a Sinagapore Sling. Let’s catch up real quick--

The Hey Baby Cancer Awareness Event was a blast -- literally. One of my guitars blew up due to a lethal combo of humidity, pelvic friction and all the free beer that was made available to the band. But all hail King Jimmy Buddy Ox, Skip, Bobby and the rest of the boys for making a big day out feel more like a high school reunion. (You know, like a cool reunion, like the 5th -- before everybody gets boring and fat.)  Let’s see, then there was the Spruce Hill show, then there was… shit, I forget. They don’t call ‘em Mind Erasers for nothing! Oh yeah, somewhere in there Roxy got cheeky with Deadbolt main man Harley Davidson. Scary voodoo girl!
 
Next up, this Friday the 21st, Sue’s Sunset House. Come on out and rock till you plop. It’s Ladies Night! (That’s not official, I’m just calling it that so more ladies show up)
 

Tags: Bar, Restaurant, Performance, Friends

This April, your favorite band of lubed-up lotharios are gonna shower you with love, and I’m not talking about the kind that washes off with a wet washcloth. I’m talking about pure unadulterated dirty adultery featuring slippery guitars, tinkling ivories, throbbing bass and jungle love rhythms. The pheromones are flying and the first place they’re touching down is none other than the Grander Opening of Richy’s Pub ‘n Grub in Putnam Valley -- featuring Corona Girls, $2.50 domestic drafts, free food, giveaways and, of course, the mind-melting movements of The Luscious Lushes Dancers! There’s love and liquor in the air this Saturday. Get some on ya!

Tags: Bar, Performance, Lushes

photo courtesy of Scott "Ansel Adams" Stevens

...and when she did she flooded the switchboards, clogged our driving arteries and dropped a big f*ckin log on our dreams of anointing Richy’s Pub n Grub’s Grand Opening with The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails' own particular brand of vicious dirty martini rock and swanky splendor. Sorry, I know I promised that the weather could not possibly deter us from rocking, but I lied. I’ve also lied about my height on several occasions, so what?
 
Stay tuned to see when Richy’s is rescheduled. Meanwhile, next up on the calendar is Sue’s Sunset House in Peekskill on Friday the 19th.

Tags: Restaurant, Bar, Performance, Cancellation

It freezes our fingers and seriously impacts our pool parties, but that doesn’t mean that we go into hibernation like that punk-ass groundhog and shiver under a log till the daffodils bloom. True, we do enter a semi-catatonic state…  but that in no way affects our ability to rip the heart out of a Friday night, guzzle its blood and spit said blood back into a blood-thirsty audience…  thirsty for real raw rock!!!  Sure, that may be a bit over-the-top, but let’s face it, so are The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails!

So be there! Get yer ass to Sue’s Sunset House in Peekskill this Friday the 19th and be ready to sacrifice your body, brain and dignity to appease the Sun Goddess and help her thaw this ice cap crap with heat-generating wild gyrations!

And if you miss that for some ridiculous reason like you’re having a baby or shaving your cat, you can catch the band in all it’s gory glory the following weekend, Friday the 26th, at the Grand-frikkin-Opening of the newly revampired Richy’s Pub n Grub (formerly "The End Zone") in the Miranda Plaza in Cortlandt Manor (or Putnam Valley, if you believe Google or Panda Garden's take-out menu).

That's here:


Finally, best wishes go out to our master of super-soused sound, Dickie Mellonball, whose recent back surgery has left him temporarily out of commission and has left the rest of the band temporarily stumbling around buzzed on his codeine prescription. Feel better, brother! We are!

Tags: Restaurant, Bar, Performance

...well, you… no! Not making any. ‘Cause every time we end up not only breaking them, but chopping them up into little pieces and burying them in a shallow grave. And then we feel guilty. Like the time we vowed to give up drinking rum after we woke up to find ourselves naked and duct-taped to the bow of a fishing boat like a fleshy mermaid. Or that time we crossed tequila off our list after that Disney World “incident” involving Snow White and Papa Smurf. It may be a small world, but it’s a huge legal expense. Oh, and what about that Octoberfest that lasted till Decemberfest? Stewed still has an accordian lodged in the nether-crevices of his lederhosen.



So to save ourselves the guilt and embarrassment of not living up to some stupid goals, we’re promising ourselves jack-bodiddly. But we do promise you, our besotted battalions of friends and fans, that we will be back in February with a renewed sense of wreckless rock (and driving) and the vow that we will make 2010 the most bestest year to ever follow 2009! We promise.

Cross our eyes and hope to die.

Tags: Thanks, Fans, Holiday