He’s the 17th man on the dead man’s chest, the guy who puts the “high” in the high seas, the master of mayhem whose bucket-banging percussive panache would make Keith Moon proud and turn Neil Peart green with seasick and envy. Yes, friends, we speak of the one and only St. Pauli Dangerously, aka The Brown Tornado.

Pauli is rumored to be the direct descendant of one Edward Teach, best known to history as Blackbeard the Pirate. It’s been reported that The Tornado (you can call him Brownbeard) has been operating in the North Atlantic, the Caribbean and has even been sighted on the Hudson River and Lake Oscawana.  A Gemini, sporting the rare two dark sides, The Tornado is also rumored to have a lucrative consulting position with the Somalis. Fathers, hide your daughter’s booty!  

 

Recent photographic evidence suggests that when he’s not slamming the skins with the LGC, that he’s been known to go aloft on his square-rigged ship “Queen Anne’s Revenge Again.” This photo courtesy of an anonymous officer serving on His Majesty’s ship “Doubtful.”

A Toast!

A Lifesize Gorgeous Toast  to the newly revved-up giant Swiss Proton Beam Particle Collider which will either:

1. Finally reveal the deep dark mysterious origins of the genesis of our planet
2. Open up matter-eating black holes which will ultimately destroy our planet.

At this point, either outcome is sort of okay with us. If it is truly the beginning of the end, then we leave you with these delectable shots of the gang at Otto’s Birthday Bash a couple of weeks ago, where atom-smashing and sour mashing coexisted in equal measure.

But if the only black hole in our future is Sarah Palin’s, then by god get your ass to the next Sunset House gig in Peekskill, Friday, September 19th. That’s back to FRIDAYS. Take note Calendar Girls!

And if we somehow manage to cling to our mortal coils beyond that, there’s The Scared Stiff’s own Chris Laubis’ annual Birthday Crusade happening (and we mean happening) at Seany B’s in Millbrook, NY on October 11th. Bands sharing the stage with The LGC are slinky voodude rockers Black Cat Xing and rode-hard-and-put-way-wet journeymen, Steel Rodeo.

Tags: Bar, Birthday, Restaurant

If you’re going DUI, you might as well DIY in style — with a 383 six pak powered, 500 horse ’66 Dodge Charger boasting a worked 727 torque flite trans and a 3:91 posi rear. (Plenty of grunt to blow up any skirt!) Here’s Stewed gearing his ride up for Otto’s Birthday Bash at The Sunset House in Peekskill on Saturday, August 23rd, featuring the steamy return of our very own Goddesses of Gyration: The Luscious Lushes.

ALSO a rare rumored-to-be-true reemergence of those Bad Boys of the Boneyard — The Scared Stiffs!

Be there or beware!

Tags: Bar, Restaurant, Birthday, Transgression, Lushes

The LGC took NYC by storm on Friday, literally, as the band’s first foray to the Big Appletini was watered way down by a biblical-type deluge. Still, the Cocktails managed to burn Arlene’s Grocery down to the ground  with a flaming mini-set that called down the thunder from the sky, then sent it back, citing insufficient postage.



Thanks to everybody who travelled from near and far (that’s YOU, Philly gang!) to witness the event. Special thanks to Mamapalooza’s own Joy Rose and Randy “The Big Man” Bigness for mixing it all together, and cheers to all the other talent who shared the stage.

Check out the new photos on the Various Shots of 2008 page!

Next up: The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails are puttin’ the moves on -- moving to SATURDAYS at The Sunset House in Peekskill. Starting THIS Saturday the 24th for all you imbibers. Be there or beware!

“Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
'Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's all right, all right, all right!”

Tags: Performance, Bar, Fans, Friends, Thanks

Ho.Ho.Ho.



If you somehow missed the LGC at The Sunset House on Friday, you are almost certain to be rewarded Christmas morn with a lump of coal-sized kidney stone. The merriment that occured was legendary. Once again The Luscious Lushes stole the show -- dolled up as delectible, candy-coated, devil daughters of Vixen.

All eyes were on Plushie, Slushie, and Crushie as bar patrons of both sexes strained to feel the fur trim the table dancers had to offer.

The Band, of course churned out electric rock like Santa’s Workshop on a three week meth bender.

Holiday highlights included a molten version of "Run Run Rudolph" and a Ventures medley featuring our own Sound Manaschevitz Dickie Mellonball on bass. A full night of sonic erotica!

Also, special thanks to Shopkeeper Sue for whipping up the best Espresso Martinis this side of the North Pole. To Diamond Dirk (The Legend) Pidgeon for extra muscle and continued support. To smarmy agent Jeff Valley and (that was) Cole for the love and hustle, and to all our new and old friends who shook the room like a freakin’ snow globe.

Now on to sleep mode. (Translation - sleep, rehab, learning new songs) We’ll be back at The Sunset House January 18th, 2008. Until then, drink up, lie down and keep checkin’ back for updates.

Rumor of the Week -  Someone’s ex got Blitzened and headed south to the wrong pole.

Tags: Thanks, Restaurant, Performance, Fans, Bar, Lushes

Thanksgiving came six days early as the LGC Plymouth-rocked The Sunset House this past Friday eve. Not only was there a cornucopia of Cocktail loyalists dancing their collective asses off, but a whole new crop of pie-eyed pioneers came out to witness the spectacle, too.

Thanks of course to everyone, but the big Thanksgiving Drumstick of Love goes out to Plushie, Slushie and Crushie Lush, whose hips (and skimpy outfits) brought fire from the sky and whipped up a gravy none will soon forget.

And check out the gallery of new photos from the gig! (More Lush-shots and even some of the band!)

Next up - private party on December 1st at Putnam Valley's German American Club and then Hot Shots in Newtown, CT on December 7th - a day which will live in infamy.

Rumor of the week - St. Pauli Dangerously's EMT training saved his own ass Friday night....

Tags: Restaurant, Performance, Bar, Fans, Friends

It’s our favorite time of year again: When terror turns tacky, lawn art celebrates death and dismemberment, sugar-stoned kids in serial killer costumes roam the streets, and gore gets gorgeous! Halloween, baby! A great excuse to dress up and down some deadly grog before heading out with a dozen rotten eggs and some toilet paper. Normally the LGC does Halloween to death with a mega-party, but this year we’re laying low and staying home, stuffing razor blades into apples. (Translation: learning new songs.)

Fear not - we’re saving it all up for the Sunset gig on Friday, November 16th. In the meantime, here’s some embarrassing shots from last year’s Halloween Hootenanny at the legendary Sand Bar (R.I.P.). Turning tricks and getting treats… smell my feet!

RUMOR OF THE WEEK – Dickie Mellonball was actually born Micqui Mellonball, a 9 pound 8 ounce bouncing baby Mexican girl.

Tags: Friends

Well, they're photos and they document a moment in history. Can't argue with those facts.

To start off, if you forget to attend Friday's gig (October 5) at the Sunset House (137 N. Water St., Peekskill, NY), here's who's coming after you:

He's a bachelor, a member of the Valvoline tribe of Tireironlandia, and was voted most likely to impale. Notice in the background his older brother, Brucie -- aka Floating Tiki Headboy. Between the two, you haven't got a chance. So be there, or be impaled.

Next up, a still from the 1967 classic Roger Corman film, Gidget Meets the Tikimen, featuring cult fave, Otto and the Tikimen (of the classic Top 40 hit, "Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Ticky Tacky").

This is from the famous scene where Otto and his posse threaten Gidget, ultimately falling into each other's arms (Otto and Gidget, not the posse). (You know, the one where the notorious hickey close-up never made it into the final edit of the film?)

And now it's our own Harvè as "Dr. Bangwaller" in the 1959 Cold War paranoiac horror-scifi thriller, Tikihead from the Puffy Clouds. This is from the renowned scene where "Dr. Bangwaller" calculates the sun's azimuth divided by the earth's diameter and mumbles "Pies are squared," somehow determining the optimal escape route for co-stars Peter Graves and Barbara Steele ("Dr. Bangwaller" is subsequently crushed by the Giant Tikiheads).


Finally, we have the band pose from our appearance opening for Dino Fregosi at the Claddagh (what? no monsters or tiny tribesmen? -- you find 'em where you see 'em):

Tags: Performance

Here's a photo from the big (not-)after party subsequent to the rain-out at Crystal. (It features the earliest known photo of Harvé with the band.)

The Rainy Day Band

Otto, Stewed, St. Pauli, Roxy, and Harvé
In their depression, The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails turn to drink.
(As if they needed the excuse...)

And on a happier note...
Here's the poster for the Sunset House show!