...well, you… no! Not making any. ‘Cause every time we end up not only breaking them, but chopping them up into little pieces and burying them in a shallow grave. And then we feel guilty. Like the time we vowed to give up drinking rum after we woke up to find ourselves naked and duct-taped to the bow of a fishing boat like a fleshy mermaid. Or that time we crossed tequila off our list after that Disney World “incident” involving Snow White and Papa Smurf. It may be a small world, but it’s a huge legal expense. Oh, and what about that Octoberfest that lasted till Decemberfest? Stewed still has an accordian lodged in the nether-crevices of his lederhosen.



So to save ourselves the guilt and embarrassment of not living up to some stupid goals, we’re promising ourselves jack-bodiddly. But we do promise you, our besotted battalions of friends and fans, that we will be back in February with a renewed sense of wreckless rock (and driving) and the vow that we will make 2010 the most bestest year to ever follow 2009! We promise.

Cross our eyes and hope to die.

Tags: Thanks, Fans, Holiday

Which way would you want your wood pointing? North, of course.

You are cordially invited to pour yourself into none other than Ziggy’s world-famous Northwood Inn, Friday December 4th, as The Cocktails branch out and headline their first-ever full show at this tasty Mahopac tavern. We’ve played there before as guests of our beloved Barfly Orchestra, but this is our moment in the sun! (Okay, it’s kinda dark in there, but you get the idea.) We need a good showing that night, so you bring the asses, we’ll bring the axes, deal?

And joining the band in a very special live performance is the immortal Michael Vegas. And you thought rockabilly just left the building!

Also, much grattitude to all those who came out and shook it on down for both shows this past weekend. If we can get you back out to the Northwood, we promise that the one and only "Foxy" Roxy Von Popov will personally pummell you with primitive love!

Tags: Restaurant, Bar, Performance, Thanks, Fans, Friends

What a freakin weekend! Back-to-back gigs, hand-to-hand combat and lip-to-lip locking. Friday at Sue’s and Saturday at the Jim Mill. Thanks again to Sloe Jim Fizz and Nancy for being bold enough to let the Cocktails pour into their party and pound our sound down the throats of their unsuspecting friends and neighbors.

Meanwhile the LGC are busy planning their costumes and calendars around the return of The Scared Stiffs — rising from the grave for two nights of bone-chilling, flesh-eating Halloween fun. Whoever said “rock is dead” must have just come from a show creature-featuring these guys!



Oh yeah, may we once again recommend  the latest LGC libation below — THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE. Never has a more disgusting cocktail been more appropriate for a holiday — seriously, this thing looks like a pavement oyster suspended in formaldehyde... ENJOY!

1 oz Peach Schnapps
1 tsp Bailey's Irish Cream
2 drops Grenadine

Pour the Peach Schnapps into a large shot glass. Slowly add the Bailey's and top with the grenadine.

Oh, by the way (shssssh), Mystery Gig in November....

Tags: Bar, Restaurant, Performance, Birthday, Thanks

The LGC emerged from their May mini-tour smelling like a rose....

A rose that smelled like it was watered with stale beer for a month.

A rose where all the petals have been ripped off in a violent "they love us, they love us not" contest.

By the way -- consensus is they love us, but we all know love is a prickly thing.


Anyway, here are our top seven May Magic Moments:

1. Mai Tai Mike’s face-melting special guest guitar appearance on the Foghat version of “I Just Want To Make Love To You.” Look for more of that!

2. Mike and Andrea showing up at Seany B’s and smiling the whole damn time.

3. A floor full of ten-year-olds momentarily paralyzed by the power of rock.

4. Sloe Jim Fizz guest-starring on a Yardbirds romp, dragging notes out of his harp like a caveman in love.

5. The Manhattan Mamapalooza Project -- no DUI’s!

6. The Return of the Lady in White, who graced us once again with her spastic cosmic hump-and-grind.

7. And, at the risk of sounding like a broken power amp, we thank our friends who never fail  to come out and see us whenever they can. We owe you a drink!

Tags: Rain, Bar, Performance, Thanks, Fans, Friends

The LGC took NYC by storm on Friday, literally, as the band’s first foray to the Big Appletini was watered way down by a biblical-type deluge. Still, the Cocktails managed to burn Arlene’s Grocery down to the ground  with a flaming mini-set that called down the thunder from the sky, then sent it back, citing insufficient postage.



Thanks to everybody who travelled from near and far (that’s YOU, Philly gang!) to witness the event. Special thanks to Mamapalooza’s own Joy Rose and Randy “The Big Man” Bigness for mixing it all together, and cheers to all the other talent who shared the stage.

Check out the new photos on the Various Shots of 2008 page!

Next up: The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails are puttin’ the moves on -- moving to SATURDAYS at The Sunset House in Peekskill. Starting THIS Saturday the 24th for all you imbibers. Be there or beware!

“Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
'Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's all right, all right, all right!”

Tags: Performance, Bar, Fans, Friends, Thanks

What is it about that big old silver rock in the sky that draws all the crazy critters out of the swamp? This past Friday night the She-Devil Brigade was out in full force vexing shocked onlookers with their hip-shakin’, back-breakin’ voodoothatyoudo dance moves.

Special thanks to the mysterious Lady in White, who repeatedly flashed the crowd before devouring some hapless (yet happy) mustachioed man on the dance floor, right before our bloodshot bewildered eyes.

(Editor’s Note – next time you bring out the Twin Milkmaids, make sure you face the band. We’re the ones working for it, for God's sake!)

Tags: Thanks, Restaurant, Bar

Ho.Ho.Ho.



If you somehow missed the LGC at The Sunset House on Friday, you are almost certain to be rewarded Christmas morn with a lump of coal-sized kidney stone. The merriment that occured was legendary. Once again The Luscious Lushes stole the show -- dolled up as delectible, candy-coated, devil daughters of Vixen.

All eyes were on Plushie, Slushie, and Crushie as bar patrons of both sexes strained to feel the fur trim the table dancers had to offer.

The Band, of course churned out electric rock like Santa’s Workshop on a three week meth bender.

Holiday highlights included a molten version of "Run Run Rudolph" and a Ventures medley featuring our own Sound Manaschevitz Dickie Mellonball on bass. A full night of sonic erotica!

Also, special thanks to Shopkeeper Sue for whipping up the best Espresso Martinis this side of the North Pole. To Diamond Dirk (The Legend) Pidgeon for extra muscle and continued support. To smarmy agent Jeff Valley and (that was) Cole for the love and hustle, and to all our new and old friends who shook the room like a freakin’ snow globe.

Now on to sleep mode. (Translation - sleep, rehab, learning new songs) We’ll be back at The Sunset House January 18th, 2008. Until then, drink up, lie down and keep checkin’ back for updates.

Rumor of the Week -  Someone’s ex got Blitzened and headed south to the wrong pole.

Tags: Thanks, Restaurant, Performance, Fans, Bar, Lushes